How to have healthier conversations about sexual expectations

Talking about sex and expectations around sex is one of the more vulnerable conversations couples have. Because of that, you might find yourself avoiding these conversations. There might be shame about wanting or not wanting sex, confusion over mis-matched desire, changing bodies and needs, children to navigate, and endless tasks and obligations that can take priority.

Here are some ways to navigate a healthier conversation about sexual expectations:

1. Set out to listen and let your partner be heard by you.
   Go in with the intention of hearing where your partner is at. No doubt you have some things you want to say and share, perhaps you have grievances or complicated feelings or concerns. Which are all worth sharing, but it will be meaningful to your partner if you’re able to start from a place of, “Tell me where you’re at. I want to hear your thoughts, feelings, and expectations about our sex life.” Not only is this informative for you, but this is likely to set the stage for your partner to do that same for you. 

2. Stay curious.
   So you started out by listening? Stay curious. If you notice thoughts and feelings in yourself as you’re taking in your partner’s perspective, see if you can stay open with curiosity both for their experience and your own. Ask yourself, do I have a curious heart towards them? Do I have a curious heart towards myself? If you notice guilt, shame, judgment, frustration, disappointment bubbling up, for now, see if you can gently set that thought or feeling to the side in order to return to a place of curiosity. Then, with some curiosity and compassion on board, you can check those thoughts and feelings out.

3. Share your experience.
   Now it’s your turn. I hope you’ll respond to your partner’s vulnerability with your own. Let them in on where you’re at, be open and honest. It’s ok and totally normal if you’re noticing a difference between your expectations and your partner’s. The important thing is to be open and acknowledge it. 

4. Set an intention. Invite your partner to do the same.
   Is there one way you want to actively respond to your partner’s needs or expectations? Can you set an intention around that? Perhaps if your partner is articulating their desire for you to initiate sex more, you can set an intention to initiate sex the next time you’re interested. Then invite your partner to set their own intention around your expectations or needs––what might you need from them to feel like they are honoring your expectations

1. Follow-up, check-in.
   Talking about expectations around sex is not a one and done conversation. This is a conversation you’ll need to continue to have. Our relationships with one another and sex and intimacy are not static. So maybe set a time to check-in, or at the very least set an intention around checking-in about sexual expectations later

2. Explore external resources.
   There are a lot of good books and resources out there for additional support around sex, intimacy, and how to talk about it. Here are a few that I’ve read and recommend:
   
   Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski
   Mating in Captivity, by Esther Perel
   Come Together, by Emily Nagoski
   Sex Talks, by Vanessa Marin
   Polysecure, by Jessica Fern
   
   

3. Enlist support, if you need it.
   This is where I might come in. If there are things that it feels like you or your partner need additional support from outside the relationship, consider bringing it to therapy. Sometimes we need to have someone who can hold a space for vulnerability that isn’t our partner. 

This is hard, important, and vulnerable stuff to navigate. If you find yourself struggling to navigate these conversations or your own, consider reaching out for more support. I work with a lot of women around issues related to sex, intimacy, fulfillment, and how trauma informs these areas (a whole other topic!), so if that’s you, I hope you’ll reach out about how therapy for women can help support you.