Why the predictability of regular therapy matters
In the therapy world, most of us prefer to have a regular session schedule. I typically schedule my clients for weekly or biweekly sessions. This means some weeks, you might have a lot to talk about, a lot to process, maybe you need a lot of support. And other weeks, less content, less activation, maybe not as much is needed from our time or myself to adequately support you. This is totally ok and a normal ebb and flow in the therapeutic work. It’s also worth noting why these regular therapy appointments matter, especially when working with relational concerns and developmental trauma. Let’s talk about how regular therapy sessions are a part of the treatment in attachment therapy.
Consistency and availability: why it matters
When we are born, we don’t have access to the ability to feel safe on our own. As babies, we only feel safe through other people. It’s when other people (parents, caregivers, etc.) are meeting our needs well enough that we can begin to notice we are ok and we maybe don’t have to scream and cry as much to get our needs met. As our needs are met somewhat consistently, our little baby selves can feel more settled and begin to trust someone will come when we need them. And if our needs aren’t met, we might get a little louder. As we continue to grow and develop, we will have more and more of these experiences. We might have wants and needs and not get them met, and also figure out that’s ok.
These early infant experiences of other people meeting our needs in order for us to feel safe are key moments in the development of our attachment system. If I’m an infant, the consistency and availability of a caregiver to meet my needs is part of how I learn that I can rely on them. And it doesn’t even need to be all the time. I always want to emphasize this for the parents I work with: the key phrase is meeting the infant’s needs well enough.
Attachment disruption and trauma: what is it?
When these early needs are disrupted, interrupted, or in the case of abuse or neglect, chronically unmet, our systems don’t learn to settle in the same way. We don’t develop the same level of trust that someone will come when we need them. As adults, we might experience higher levels of emotional dysregulation. Adults with early childhood attachment trauma are likely to have difficulty trusting and relying on others in their adulthood. If our first human experiences were of someone not coming when we need them, not meeting our needs when we were completely reliant on others to feel safe and well, that paves the way for an attachment system that, perhaps, expects unreliability, pushes others away, minimizes our own emotions and needs, or is anxious when there is space or distance in a relationship.
We are all moving through the world with the imprint of our early attachment experiences. And quite marvelously, our attachment systems learned how to adapt in order to survive. Whenever I am talking about attachment theory with a client, I want to emphasize that these attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized, secure), are strategies, brilliant strategies, for how to mentally and emotionally survive or endure a less-than-ideal attachment scenario.
How regular therapy can support your attachment system
A safe, supportive, and attuned therapeutic relationship is one of the ways we can heal attachment wounds that were formed by disruption or trauma. Something that regular therapy offers is the consistency and availability that may have been missing early on. For relational and attachment oriented therapy, this is a critical part of the healing process. The consistency of a therapeutic space, time, and person, is the foundation for attachment therapy.
When we offer your system a 50-minute weekly therapy session on Tuesdays at 2pm in my office or online with me, we are giving your attachment system consistency and availability. Is that enough in and of itself? No, it’s not. We’d need to dive a little deeper into your attachment stories and experiences. But if we go back to what we know about babies, and what is happening when those early infant needs get interrupted? Then the (relative) predictability of a regular therapy space is foundational.
Trust the process
So when it comes to attachment therapy, my invitation is to be curious, to ask questions and offer your experiences and doubts, but also to trust the process. The process is part of the healing. If any of this resonates with you and you’re curious to learn more about how attachment therapy can help address relational and developmental disruptions and trauma, I’d love to hear from you.