Why Going Home for the Holidays Can Feel So Triggering (Even If You Love Your Family)
Working as a therapist through the months of November and December means I’m especially tuned in to just how hard the holidays are for many people. Our emails, stores, and TV ads are blasting us with things to buy (so much shopping!). And we are bombarded with ideas of what the holidays should look and feel like (so much pressure!). Then we layer on a visit with family that perhaps has a lot of expectation around it, poor communication, or conflicting values and ideas about the world. This is starting to paint a pretty stressful picture.
Here’s what I’m noticing even as I write this: you’re likely going into time with family with an already frayed nervous system. And when anxiety or stress is heightened, we are more likely to feel triggered or become easily activated. It’s like having a thinner skin, less barrier between you and the world.
Feel like a teenager again? Home is where those old roles live.
There’s a lot of memory in a family system. It can feel like it’s frozen in time, suddenly you’re back to your 15 year old self––angsty, upset, tearful, and annoyed by everyone. You may be a competent adult with boundaries and a life you’ve built intentionally, but the moment you cross the threshold, you’re suddenly back to that familiar role: “the sensitive one,” “the difficult one,” “the peacemaker,” or “the screw-up.” You might notice yourself people-pleasing, shutting down, over-functioning, or snapping in ways that don’t feel true to who you are now. That disconnect can be deeply unsettling. It’s worth noting these roles are formed when we’re little, when we’re trying to survive emotionally with the tools, resources, and supports (or lack thereof) that we had at the time.
Your Nervous System Remembers What You’ve Forgotten
Even if you’ve done a lot of therapy and emotional processing, your mind-body system may still respond to familiar cues in a familiar way. A small comment or tone of voice can activate a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response before you’ve even had time to think (this is why it’s called the autonomic nervous system). Your system is responding to years of conditioning. Home is where many of us first learned what love, safety, criticism, or unpredictability felt like.
The Holidays Amplify Everything
The holidays come with a host of expectations: be grateful, be happy, be together, don’t rock the boat. There seems to be little room for complexity or honesty. Grief, resentment, and unmet needs don’t disappear just because it’s December—they just get buried under forced cheer.
Add alcohol, disrupted routines, lack of sleep, and overstimulation, and you have a perfect storm. The pressure to “enjoy every moment” can make it even harder to cope when things feel tense or painful. When joy is mandatory, what are you supposed to do with your discomfort, grief, or disappointment? A lack of agency or control can also intensify emotional reactions.
Growth Creates Distance—and That Can Hurt
Personal growth changes relationships. When you learn to set boundaries, name emotions, or stop tolerating certain behaviors, it can create friction with people who are used to the old version of you. Going home can highlight just how much you’ve changed—and how much others haven’t. Realizing this gap can bring feelings of grief. You might feel the disappointment of familiar dynamics that are unlikely to change or feel the loss of the idea of family you are letting go of.
Becoming Aware and Setting Limits
If going home feels hard, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It often means you’re just more aware of dysfunction and unhealthy dynamics. You’re noticing what once felt normal and you previously just had to deal with.
It’s okay to go about it differently now. It’s okay to set limits, shorten visits, step outside for air, or opt out altogether. It’s okay to grieve and still love your family.
Going home for the holidays can be triggering because it asks you to hold who you were and who you are at the same time. What a challenging task! If you’re feeling activated, exhausted, or emotional, there’s nothing wrong with you. Your system is responding to both its past and present. So be gentle with yourself. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do during the holidays is to honor your nervous system, your boundaries, and give yourself permission to do that best you can. If you’re curious about how somatic therapy can help support you in processing what comes up around this time of year, I hope you’ll reach out.