Understanding “Good Enough” Parenting and Why It’s Actually Healthier

Are you exhausted by trying to be a perfect parent? By trying to meet your kids’ every need? And/or wracked by guilt when you don’t get it quite right or reach your limit? 

Your intentions are so good. But it sounds exhausting. And perhaps it’s not actually necessary or even best to parent that way? 

Let’s talk about “good enough” parenting and why it may be the saving grace for you and your kids. 

In attachment theory, there’s a lot of research and information about what it takes to help children form a secure attachment with their parent/caregiver. One of the most surprising and relieving takeaways from attachment research is there’s room for parents to get it wrong some of the time. Turns out, it’s actually important! The research shows that mis-attunement or getting it wrong some of the time is an element of developing a secure attachment bond. 

Why might that be?

There are probably a few reasons for this. Arguably the most important of these reasons for making space for getting it wrong sometimes is the process of rupture and repair. When there is a misattunement between parent and child, it creates a little (or in some cases big) attachment rupture. Which then creates the opportunity for repair. 

What’s the big deal about repair? It’s so key in attachment security because it demonstrates the parent’s intent to understand, to connect, to attune. For a child to develop a secure attachment bond, parents actually need to mess it up sometimes, so the child can experience the healing of repair, of a parent who is trying to find their way back to connection, understanding, and attunement. 

Clinical psychologist Dr. Beatrice Beebe captured this phenomenon in studying the micro- moments between moms and infants in her research. She discovered these early interactions between mother and infant can predict attachment styles and impact the infant’s development. This video of her research is very worth watching to understand her analysis of early attachment experiences.

There are a few other key elements of this idea of “good enough” parenting and why it actually contributes to health and social-emotional learning for kids.

When there is a slight miss or rupture between parent and child, the child is also learning about distress tolerance. The reality is we can’t protect kids from experiencing distress. It’s a natural occurrence in life, so it’s important for kids to develop the skills for tolerating distress. Good enough parenting allows for that: there’s a slight rupture or misunderstanding; it’s sad, disappointing, frustrating, etc. The child learns to withstand these uncomfortable emotions and maybe even develops some early tools for self-soothing. This might include snuggling a stuffie or blanket, using a pacifier, taking a break to settle. 

Then when the parent reaches out to repair the rupture, the child can reconnect with their primary attachment figure, experience the co-regulation of a safe and caring adult, and unconsciously begin to understand there is a difference between abandonment and a slight turning away. The good enough parent repairs, comes back, reconnects, gives space, hears them out. The slight turning away, the “miss” of the good enough parent is tolerable and the parent-child pair has the foundation of a secure bond. 

I love this attachment research because it really challenges parents to let go of this feeling of having to get it right all the time. It’s so natural to have limits, to mess it up sometimes, and it’s actually important to a secure connection with your child for that to happen sometimes. Knowing the relationship can weather it and you’ll find connection again. If you’re a mother or an adult daughter seeking to deepen your understanding of your experiences or unpack what may be getting activated about your childhood as you parent your own kids (so common!), I hope you’ll reach out about how therapy for women can help.