Making Amends: The Importance of Rupture and Repair within the Self

You no doubt know the feeling of being at odds with your spouse or significant other. You’ve had a disagreement, miscommunicated about something, dropped the ball, there are upset feelings. “I’m sorry, I messed up,” you might say. Maybe there’s something you want to take responsibility for and something you want to ask for from the other person. We are making amends, repairing when there has been rupture. 

How rupture and repair creates security

It’s important for couples to have a process, of sorts, for repair. Rupture is bound to happen, but the thing that matters most is that we are seeking to repair when there has been rupture. This is key to forming a secure attachment. When doing attachment work with folks in my practice, I want to underscore that secure attachment isn’t aiming to never have rupture or misunderstanding or distance, but rather it’s formed in how we are muddling our way through––sometimes feeling well-connected and attuned, and sometimes missing each other, but making our way back. It creates a sense of reliability, “I can count on you” kind of feelings in the mind-body system. When we have that feeling on board, then rupture or space is less jarring or scary or anxiety-inducing. 

What it means to repair with the Self

This rupture and repair process hopefully makes good sense for your closest relationships. But what might it mean for our relationship with ourselves? This may be a new concept, but I think it’s an important one. What happens when we’ve lost track of our own boundaries, betrayed our own values, or disregarded a part of ourselves? We are deeply relational beings, which might mean sometimes there has been a rupture or conflict within our internal relational system (vs the external relationships we have with other humans). Consider a moment where you might have felt some guilt; maybe you lost track of how your values inform your choices or behavior; maybe you made a choice but bypassed an internal boundary, a part of you that says, “Even if this would feel good, I’m not going to do that.” Was there a “no” or a boundary that you either didn’t know about or bypassed because something felt good? That would be a good example of having a rupture within the self, a betrayal of sorts.

How to rebuild trust in the Self

Just as when we have broken the trust of someone else, we need to rebuild that trust with them, we also need to rebuild a sense of trust within ourselves when we have lost track of the values or boundaries that shape how we live. You might ask yourself: what does it look like/feel like/mean to trust yourself? What are the top personal values you hold that define how you live? Can you notice the painful point at which you might have lost sight of your boundaries or values? What does that feel like in your body, can you locate it? And is there any room for self-compassion? Can you acknowledge, “I messed up”, while also making contact with love and compassion for yourself? 

This can be a multi-step process when there has been more significant rupture. One of the important parts is to see if you can avoid a total collapse as you are making amends within yourself. What does it feel like to acknowledge you made a mistake, but in a way that allows you to stay upright? Feel your feet on the ground. Try placing a hand on your chest in a gesture of self-compassion. Self-recrimination and self-contempt don’t tend to get us much of anywhere in a repair process. So if those thoughts or feelings pop up, see if you can gently set them aside.

Lastly, see if you can make contact with the values you want to lean into as you go forward. This could be loyalty, kindness, balance, reliability. What’s one thing you can do to practice that value, one thing that embodies that value? If it’s a value of balance, maybe you’re setting an intention of practicing saying “no” to extra tasks at work and keeping to your workday hours.

This idea of repairing trust within the self is an extension of what we know about relationships and attachment with other people. How are we responding to rupture that happens in our internal world? If you find yourself navigating a season of rebuilding trust within yourself, or working with disparate parts of yourself, I hope you’ll reach out about how attachment therapy can help. This is the kind of work that really benefits from some compassionate companionship.