Trauma and the fear of being “too much” for others
Do you ever find yourself making yourself small or holding back who you are or how you feel for fear of it overwhelming the other person? Do you worry that if you were yourself it would be too much, people wouldn’t stick around? Do you have trouble knowing what you want or need?
This fear of being too much for others is a common symptom of trauma, especially relational or attachment trauma. It may be shaping how you show up in relationships, how much you feel like you can be yourself.
Where does this fear of “too much” come from?
This fear of being too much is often rooted in our earliest relationships. We begin to form a sense of Self through the reflection and mentalization of our primary caregivers. When emotional attunement, safety, and nurturing are missing, this impacts development and how we feel we can rely on others for our emotional needs to be met.
You may have grown up in an environment where you were told you were “too emotional” or “too needy.”
Your feelings may have been dismissed or missed altogether. Maybe there was no curiosity about your internal world.
Your experience of love or affection may have been linked with good behavior.
All of these experiences can lead to a foundational fear that who you are is not entirely welcome or that what you feel is more than a relationship can handle. This is a deeply painful experience to have as a little one. And it can cause a lot of strain and dis-ease in adult relationships, when we are still behaving as though the stakes of our childhood wounds are playing out in adulthood.
What attachment trauma might look like in adulthood
The unconscious message of this kind of attachment wound might be, “I’m too much, my needs are too much, my feelings are too much, and if I show these parts of myself, I’ll be abandoned.” This may be a fear of being left physically, such as a partner ending the relationship, or it may be an emotional or psychological leaving, such as dissociation or withdrawal.
After years of unmet needs, our oh-so-clever attachment systems learn to adapt. In adulthood, this might look like people-pleasing or chameleon-ing to suit whomever (a form of self-abandonment), minimizing your wants and needs, making yourself small psychologically, or suppressing emotion. It’s a survival strategy, an attempt to stay connected and avoid rejection or abandonment.
Long-term, however, this way of being in relationships can lead to bitterness and resentment, loneliness and disconnection. For some people, they choose partners who reinforce the trauma pattern––it’s what their system knows. For others, this “too much” survival strategy can lead to conflict and tension as the shaky ground of a people-pleaser leads to an unsatisfying relationship.
This is painful stuff. And it can upend your adult relationships. Don’t let the fear of being too much drive you away from satisfying connection and a full Self.
How to heal the hurt of “too much”
The good news is, healing is possible. The even better news is, this kind of trauma is uniquely well-suited to the work of relational therapy. So first things first: get yourself a good relational trauma therapist. This is a key place where the following elements of healing can happen.
What’s the root: Let’s first get to the root of the thing and attempt to understand how this fear was formed. With understanding and compassion, we might begin to plant the seed of healing.
Reconnecting with needs and wants: This is so key! These long-suppressed needs and wants need to be felt. So start tuning in to what you need, what you want, what your boundaries are, what that feels like in your body. Really get to know your psyche in this way.
What does a safe and healthy relationship look like: Because your sense of relationship is likely skewed by trauma, we also have to reset what a safe and healthy relationship looks like, so you don’t end up in repeated trauma patterns, reinforcing the belief that you are too much. This is a really common and painful pitfall of attachment trauma.
Watch out for the pattern and look for the off-ramp: That trauma pattern is a super highway, a well-worn groove, and your system can easily find its way there. Whenever we find ourselves in a familiar spot that we don’t want to be in, look for the off-ramp. What would be a new or different way of being in this relationship? Maybe it’s asking for what you need. Maybe it’s setting a clear boundary.
This kind of change takes repetition and practice. And it is best done in the context of a safe and trusting therapeutic relationship. If you find yourself navigating a fear of being “too much”, people-pleasing, minimizing, enabling, or chameleon-ing your way through a relationship, I hope you’ll reach out about how trauma therapy can help bring healing.