How to Support Grief Processing

Perhaps you’ve lost someone. Or are losing someone to dementia or chronic illness. Maybe you’re grieving the lack of something––a relationship, a family, health or stability. Perhaps you’re feeling the heaviness of an unstable and tumultuous time in the nation and world. Or the loss of time and ability as you age.

There are many reasons why we might feel the weight of grief. In my work as a therapist, I often have an ear tuned for indicators of grief, so we can create space to feel and support it. Sometimes people will ask, “Yeah, but what do I do? How can I fix this?” And the challenging part is that grief is not something to be fixed, and there is rarely much to do about it. 

How to tolerate the work of grieving

In his book on grief, the Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Weller talks about how our approach to sorry “requires enormous psychic strength.” He goes on, “For us to tolerate the rigors of engaging the images, emotions, memories, and dreams that arise in times of grief, we need to fortify our interior ground.” (p.5) It might help to know that, to hear that as we enter the work of sorrow and grief, it takes a lot of mental fortitude. 

What does it mean to fortify our interior ground?

Well, it might mean first establishing a sense of ok-ness inside. What does safety, security, ease, ok-ness feel like in your body? Are there any images that connect to that feeling? Could we return to those images or memories when we need to? Perhaps our interior ground is also fortified by good companionship. A well-attuned friend, a reliable partner, a therapist you feel seen and heard by––these are all good companions. We might also consider how you give yourself breaks from the grief. It’s a heavy load to carry, so it might be relieving to sometimes set it down, knowing you can return to it. 

To fortify our interior ground I think also means we need to know it won’t always feel like this. That we need to perhaps go into some dark areas and explore the far reaches of our sorrow, knowing that it will shift or change. 

I sometimes hear people express their fear about this: but what if it doesn’t shift? What if I get stuck there? What if I’m lost in my sadness and sorrow? 

Let’s talk about that.

What to do when lost on the sea of grief

At times, and for some, grief can morph into depression. We can get lost on the sea of grief without an anchor, a tether to the living world, or a compass to guide us through safe passage. 

Francis Weller talks about this a bit in his book: “Some of us feel we may have gotten lost in our sorrow, as though grief has taken up permanent residence in our hearts and souls. We are trapped and unable to break free from the swirl of sorrow. It can become a hiding place.” (p.84)

This is where we may need a little more help to guide us. This may be in the form of professional support, medication, or in a more emotional-spiritual realm, through ritual. We might think of a memorial service as ritual, a bike ride or run in honor of someone or something, a creative project, the recitation of a poem, lighting a candle, smudging with sage. 

“Ritual offers us the two things required to fully let go of the grief we carry: containment and release.” 

Yes. Containment and release. This is just what a stuck grief needs. And opportunity to be held and felt in a contained way. Francis Weller talks about how to need to “give grief a bottom.” If we give grief a bottom, we can then trust our ability to move through the pain and sadness of it.

Rituals may give us a bottom, self-compassion may give us a bottom (through nervous system regulation), and a safe container (therapist, grief support group, etc.) may give us a bottom.

And then there is an invitation to release. To come up for air from the intense work of grieving. So that you might again find yourself in touch with your vitality.

Reclaiming your vitality, re-entering the land of the living

It’s risky to venture back out into the world, to let yourself love again and risk being hurt once more. Yet grief is an invitation to do just that. 

We must re-enter the land of the living. You cannot live in the land of the lost or dead. This living and vibrant world is your home. And the way of grief is to pass through darkness and back into the light. To tap into your vitality and allow yourself to engage with the fullness of what life brings. In my work, I often think of these words from poet Rainer Maria Rilke:

Let everything happen to you:
Beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final.

If you find yourself in a season of grief and needing guidance or companionship as you move through the complexities of loss, I hope you’ll reach out about how somatic therapy can support grief processing.